I Can Even Dream?
by WynterVivaldi
Summary: Erik's thoughts before Christine's debut. Movieverse. Based off the song of Can't I Even Dream, originally sung by Hatsune Miku. Lyrics with translations included.


Lyrics at the end. You can skip if you want to :-) Wrote this because I was listening to it again, and it felt very Erik-ish. I recommend IA's version, because well, IA is just the best. Such a realistic operatic Vocaloid(singing synthesizer program).

* * *

Dreaming is a luxury afforded which affronted many. Dreaming was a singular indulgence of the dark angels that haunted this singular persona. Erik slid his mask off with fluidity, finding himself utterly alone again. Christine's voice washed over him again, the memories of their lesson just concluded fresh in mind. He exhaled a shaky breath, the effect such a pure thing had on him could be the very undoing of him. In the past, he had never been so enraptured by the divas that stalked these halls, and yet the singular voice of a girl like her, in a chapel all alone…

He held the memory dear in his hands, clenching and unclenching the hands that could kill, the hands that could revive and bring life's sorrows and music into the various arts…how he burned, burned with rage, burned with lust. Burned with want. The wig was the next to be carefully discarded onto a wig stand, and brushed slightly. He felt almost naked in the privacy of his own house, seeing as how all his persona had all but been discarded, the cloak when he had entered, the waistcoat…he languished in the cool air flowing over his skin, the dress pants traded for a pair of breeches instead and his white ruffled shirt hung loose. Yet it still felt too warm, too driven by lust.

He was a feral animal, dreaming of her. Desperate and so lonely, I looked for you, he scribbled on a paper. Cold winds buffeted his lonely treks to the dressing room, screaming in his ears like a banshee. Yet it was never enough to quell the fire that burned for her. Did she know that he was but a man? Did she know that he watched her daily?

Would she be repulsed by him if she knew the way that he watched her every move, not even turning away when she dressed? Perhaps he was not much better than those base monsters creeping on the other dancers' dressing rooms! He was very much blasé to their indiscretions, yet he was vexed when anyone made a move on his Christine! His angel! No one else could claim her but him.

Every night, before he were to make the trek to the Mirror, his heart would be wrenched with the fear, the dark fear. Was she to reject him for the world desires today? Would she forget her Angel? No doubt, Christine was a growing woman. One day, she would forget her Angel and find a boy and settle down. Nevertheless, Erik made the nightly trek to the Mirror, running through all his fears. And he knew if he fell to her charms, he knew if he was to fully let himself go, he would not return. A man killed by his own emotion, by his broken heart.

So as Erik closed his eyes, trying to, for another night, he begged the doll, the wax doll he cradled in his arms, that she may make the pain disappear. The lifeless lips, the lifeless form held no respite for him as he lets the tears fall on the empty face. It was useless. Again he asked, the loneliness in his soul, ah, why can I not dream?

In his dreams, he went to her.

And with his knees buckling before her, to worship her, to beg her. Like the animal he had always been.

"Mother!"

"Go away, you filthy animal. You filthy creature. You devil."

Devil. Creature. Animal. An object to be abused. Not even a human. Erik writhed in his bed, waking again.

Oh Christine, my Christine, he mourned, his face in his hands.

If only you knew.

And why should she, Reason shrieked in his ears, and whispered in Doubt, why make your sins hers? The lithe creature he would behold in his arms needed no place in a kingdom or anywhere built on darkness, he told himself. She was light and light alone. In his black gloved hands, he tugged gently on the ribbon, making sure it was the right length. Today was Christine's debut. He seemed to be floating on air as the portcullis gave a mighty clang, alerting him to the presence of a woman.

Antoinette Giry.

His eyes narrowed dangerously at the woman who would so callously invade his privacy, resuming his mask as he turned on his heel to face her.

"Christine is ready, Maestro. But whatever could you have been thinking? That a girl as young as her, as innocent as her…Mon dieu, Erik! Have mercy on us all!"

He nodded, picking up the rose, handing it to her after he had snipped the final thorns off the stem.

"And this is?"

"A present. For Christine. Be sure to give it to her after she performs."

"And you won't be requiring your box—"

"No, no I would not. I have another place where I can see her."

Madame Giry gave a short nod, never one to further question her Maestro in these moods. Erik returned to tidying up his lair, turning only to trip the lever to let Madame Giry out. Trinkets, hidden away. The drawings of Christine pulled out and arranged neatly. And the final details…

He caressed the doll gently, whispering as if talking to her, as if speaking to the very human herself. How was he to compose himself, when he would finally give in to dreams, to desires? He wracked his head for ideas, wringing his hands in frustration, dusting off the phoenix bed. How he longed for her to be in this very bed, this beautiful bed made especially for her. From the bowels of his lair, he heard the orchestra play a rousing concert C to tune their instruments, cringing at the poor sound of some of the trombones and clarinets, and the screech of the violins. Swiftly, he dressed, pulling on his vest, cravat, coat…everything to make him seem vaguely decent before he donned his cape and made his way up to the crevice behind the chapel walls, where the acoustics were much better than even Box Five. He needed not to see her angelic face, but to hear her, to let her consume him once more.

Tonight, he would be reborn.

And thusly so.

Tonight, her Angel would come to her not as a voice, but as a man.

* * *

Lyrics that inspired this:

Original Kanji:

闇雲に探してる  
掴んだものすら 手放して  
耳を切り裂く風に  
凍える身体は 切ないだけ

ここにいるの 痛んでいる  
膿みつづける この胸  
走り出して 躓いたら  
戻れないわ  
ここにいるの 連れ出してよ  
私の王子様  
夢見てもいいじゃないの

瞳突き刺す雨に  
微笑む私は 狂うふりを

ここにいるの 溢れている  
生みつづける この愛  
叫び出して 届かぬなら  
意味がないわ  
ここにいるの 連れ出してよ  
私の王子様  
夢見てもいいじゃないの

夢見てもいいじゃないの

Romaji:

Yami kumo ni sagashi teru  
Tsukanda mono sura te banashite  
Mimi o kiri saku kaze ni  
Kogoeru karada wa setsunai dake

Koko ni iru no itande iru  
Umi tsuzukeru kono mune  
Hashiri dashite tsumazui tara  
Modore nai wa  
Koko ni iru no tsure dashite yo  
Watashi no oji sama  
Yume mite mo ii ja nai no

Hitomi tsuki sasu ame ni  
Hohoemu watashi wa kuruu furi o

Koko ni iru no afurete iru  
Umi tsuzukeru kono ai  
Sakebi dashite todokanu nara  
Imi ga nai wa  
Koko ni iru no tsure dashite yo  
Watashi no oji sama  
Yume mite mo ii ja nai no

Yume mite mo ii ja nai no

Translation:

I'm desperately looking for you  
I even let go of what I have possessed  
Winds blow as if it slashed my ears  
My freezing body feels nothing but pain

I'm here, It's really painful  
My heart is filled with pains  
If I stumble while running,  
I can never go back  
I'm here, Get me out of here, my prince  
Can't I even dream?

In the rain penetrating my eyes  
I pretend to be crazy with a smirk

I'm here, It's overflowing  
I keep bearing this love  
If my screams don't reach you,  
It's completely unworthy  
I'm here, Get me out of here, my prince  
Can't I even dream?

Singable Translation:

Desperate and so lonely, I've looked for you.  
And left behind all that I had ever longed for.  
Cold winds scream through my ears like a banshee.  
A freezing chill- A pain that still will forever haunt me.

Yet I have made it here  
Running through all the fear.  
The sadness in my heart retains the pain.  
And if I fall, I've learned  
That I may not return.  
None of my love remains.

Yet I have made it here.  
Make this pain disappear.  
My one and only, Prince Charming.  
And still I wonder, why can't I even dream?

Tears fall like a rainstorm I barely see.  
A twisted grin broken within. Am I going crazy?

Yet I have made it here  
Bearing this love, my dear.  
Bearing the weight of it upon my knees.  
And if I scream your name  
It's not returned in same  
I bed, forget me please.

Yet I have made it here.  
Make this pain disappear.  
My one and only, Prince Charming.

(And still I wonder, why can't I even dream?)  
And still I wonder, why can't I even dream?


End file.
